Dream

My self-esteem is dead. It's ironic because I advocate self-confidence and being true to one's self. It doesn't mean I am a hypocrite and that I have always been one. It just means I am human too and I have days that get me down, and times when I feel like nothing I do is worth anything anymore. You can say I feel depreciated right now. Yes, depreciated, cut down to pieces that slowly shrivel up to even tinier pieces. It's sad. It's a sad, sad thought but I hate to say it's what I am feeling right now. It's probably what I have been feeling all along.

Without reading this blog, people would not have a clue as to what I really am feeling. Heck, my girlfriend doesn't even know. I know I can talk to her about everything, even the things that don't concern our relationship, but sometimes we just don't have time. And the little time we have to talk, I would want to spend talking about happy things. I try not to be a downer. Anyways, I don't go ranting on Twitter and Facebook things like "I am so lonely! Come save me." or "I will cut myself if no one will love me." or even something simple like "My self-esteem is dead". I may have a massive rate of rants on Facebook and Twitter but nothing desperate for pity, sympathy or whatnot. In fact, most of the things I post are the things I am proud of. I am basically trying to let people see the optimist in me rather than the pessimist.

It's not a reputation I try to keep or an image I put up as a front. What I post on social networking sites are all true, all honest, and 100% me. What I have on my blog are the more "private" things, if there is anything to be considered private on the internet. But yes, blogs are known as online diaries and sometimes, I take it a little too seriously, and a little too far, but no one reads it anyway.

And then we go back to what, apparently, seems to be my blog's main theme - CHANGE. I think I already know why I have been wanting change, why I have been searching for it when it's not really necessary. I think I am insecure. Can one be insecure to one's self? Because that's exactly what I am feeling. While others are busy wishing they can be somebody else, here I am wanting to be the person I imagine myself to be - not based on anyone else - but the person I see myself as. I know I can achieve it though. I am just not patient enough. Sometimes I wish everything would come easy. I wish I could imagine the future self at night, doze off to sleep and wake up the next day being her. But I know nothing comes easy. Good things come to those who wait, right? I wish I could nod to that as if it were my last day, but this is reality.. We're not all patient and we're not living in a world of motivational quotations. I am a realist but an idealist when it comes to myself. Tell me, how many ironies are there in this post? And tell me, how good of an advocate can I still be? It's true what they say, sure, you're good at giving advice to others but it's hard for you to follow yourself. I am a victim of that. I think I always have been. Or maybe I am just being pessimistic.

Or maybe I learned from myself.

Yes, that must be it. I learned from myself.

But now that it's ahead of me, how can I look back when there's nothing to look back at?

Tell me.