Rear-view truth: Who's there for you?

Sometimes I feel like I connect myself with people too much. Sometimes I suck at being a friend, sometimes I think I might be too much of one. And it's not helping anyone. If anything, it makes things worse. You think you have people who support and understand you, but in reality, they just judge you. They don't really know you.

To distance yourself from people will make you cynical, socially withdrawn, but if you don't, that makes you blind. It's hard to know your place in the world. Unless you write a memoir of some sort, and have your whole life laid out in front of them, they will never understand. They will assume things based on what they see, what you tell them, and they accept them as if that's all there is to it. It's just the tip of the iceberg, but I guess not everyone bothers to hold their breath and see what lies beneath it all. No one will understand the pressure you go through, or the conflict you have with yourself everyday. No one will understand the standards you have to measure up to just to make things better.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and believe me, I am very desperate. But I don't expect anybody to understand. See, there are social norms, roles out there we are all expected to play. Failure to adhere to these norms make you deviant. It's sad to think that people lack the ability to understand that not everyone is capable of doing so. Sometimes, you have to deviate yourself from the rest in other to make something out of everyday, even if it's not what everyone else is doing. But like most people, you try to fit in. You try to be one of them, but it doesn't always work. And personally, I would rather take the alternate route where something is actually working. At least I'm doing something.

But again, don't expect anyone to understand.

I am sure there are a lot of other people who share the same sentiments. We all have different stories, most of us are just really good at hiding them. We pretend everything is okay, when there is so much going on in our heads. Pretend and you're a fraud, you're selfish; Stop pretending, tell everyone everything and you become an attention whore who worries too much. Tell me now, what good is there in pretending or not pretending? Where do you cross the line? When do you know who you can talk to? I guess we will never know the answer to these questions unless we become victims of our own mistakes.

How sad.

P.S. You never owe anyone an explanation.

Hook, line, and sinker

(This being 10 minutes away from our place, I see it often, but it fascinates me every time.)

I always thought going fishing would mean having four to six hours a day to ponder, reflect on this thing called life. I guess it's fair to say that I always had this idea that if you are out someplace quiet, just sitting there, you would have nothing but yourself and your thoughts to keep you busy. I was wrong. Or at least in fishing, that is not the case. My papa told me once we were out to fish that going fishing actually takes your mind off things. It's because you have your eyes (and maybe all other senses) and even your breathing and pulse carefully waiting for that one tug, that one bite. It makes sense, doesn't it? It makes even more sense once you have been there.

I have kept my dad company many times going fishing. But I never bothered trying because for one, I didn't have my licence, and second of all, I would rather read, write, enjoy the view, and you guessed it, think. I guess I arrived at a point where I have had too much thinking, realizing that it isn't healthy anymore, and so I decided to get a licence. Saturday was the first time I actually went fishing (and caught a couple - woohoo!) and loved it. We started at 7 am. I had this lovely view (pictured above); The sun was hiding, the clouds filled the sky and they reflected in the water too - lovely. It was calm, looking almost like a blanket tucking in the life that lived underneath.The best part of that wondrous Saturday morning, life didn't get in the way. I had no time to think because I was too busy holding my breath, waiting for a tug, and all my focus was on the end of the rod.

I was talking to one of the best friends I have about fishing this morning; I told her it's a good way to take your mind off things. She then asked me if that's what I wanted to do. Thinking about it now, I don't think I ever answered her. Either it slipped my mind or I didn't know what to say. Now that the day is almost coming to a close, I now know what it is I'm running from. It's silly, it's strange, but for me it makes perfect sense - the only thing I am trying to get away from is myself.

I had forgotten how much I love being by the water watching the tide come in and waiting for the sun to set. I had forgotten how serene it is when the current has finally reached the calm and the tiny ripples that give life to it are like a blanket covering life that never ceases being in motion. It never stops - life, that is - and most days and most nights, we long to pause it simply because we wish to look at what we have done and what we have yet to do, and have time to appreciate it without worrying that the time we spend pondering on the small things, could be time spent on something else - something that isn't in the now. What ever happened to living in the present?

Outta Time - Oasis

A note for the downhearted

Someone once told me that the real adventure in life starts when you realize that all you have ever accomplished is knowing how to make sense of it all. It is when you realize the world is way ahead of you while your true journey has only just begun. It is when you see yourself climbing that mountain while all of them are already at the peak roasting marshmallows, singing Kumbaya around a campfire. Time is gold. Time is precious. Time is bliss. When all the world makes you feel downhearted, remember that your journey is unique - not because you are on that road less traveled, but because you are trying to figure life out at your own pace. And when you think to yourself that you have made the right call, that is when you start working up, with vigour and passion.

This someone could be wrong or on point. But either way, this someone is in all of us, smiling at you when you fail, when you succeed, and will always be there to cheer you on when you finally learn to believe in yourself.

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time." 

- T.S. Eliot

I'm back, Blogger.

My sail has been battling against the current

Making my way to shore

And with every gust

of every season

I come home

back to

you