Sometimes I feel like I connect myself with people too much. Sometimes I suck at being a friend, sometimes I think I might be too much of one. And it's not helping anyone. If anything, it makes things worse. You think you have people who support and understand you, but in reality, they just judge you. They don't really know you.
To distance yourself from people will make you cynical, socially withdrawn, but if you don't, that makes you blind. It's hard to know your place in the world. Unless you write a memoir of some sort, and have your whole life laid out in front of them, they will never understand. They will assume things based on what they see, what you tell them, and they accept them as if that's all there is to it. It's just the tip of the iceberg, but I guess not everyone bothers to hold their breath and see what lies beneath it all. No one will understand the pressure you go through, or the conflict you have with yourself everyday. No one will understand the standards you have to measure up to just to make things better.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and believe me, I am very desperate. But I don't expect anybody to understand. See, there are social norms, roles out there we are all expected to play. Failure to adhere to these norms make you deviant. It's sad to think that people lack the ability to understand that not everyone is capable of doing so. Sometimes, you have to deviate yourself from the rest in other to make something out of everyday, even if it's not what everyone else is doing. But like most people, you try to fit in. You try to be one of them, but it doesn't always work. And personally, I would rather take the alternate route where something is actually working. At least I'm doing something.
But again, don't expect anyone to understand.
I am sure there are a lot of other people who share the same sentiments. We all have different stories, most of us are just really good at hiding them. We pretend everything is okay, when there is so much going on in our heads. Pretend and you're a fraud, you're selfish; Stop pretending, tell everyone everything and you become an attention whore who worries too much. Tell me now, what good is there in pretending or not pretending? Where do you cross the line? When do you know who you can talk to? I guess we will never know the answer to these questions unless we become victims of our own mistakes.
How sad.
P.S. You never owe anyone an explanation.
