The grand life: All things unseen

Post-birthday realization: I am twenty-one. I am blessed. I have a far from perfect life, but I am happy. Instead of sulking and wishing that things would be better for me, I have learned to accept that some things are not meant to happen now. How else are we to get on with our lives if we don't first accept that the things we don't have are just not meant to be ours right now? Stop asking "why not me?" and start saying "not yet".

Coincidentally, as it will be for the next 2 more years, my birthday sat on Thanksgiving weekend! I was so hungover from my birthday last year, I don't remember what we did for Thanksgiving! What did we do last year? Whatever it is that we did, it must have been fun. Celebratory. This year was quite different. I decided not to celebrate my birthday nor Thanksgiving with turkey because I had an exam to prepare for. Party pooper, I know. It was a big exam for me and I needed the time to study. Instead of celebrating my 21st birthday with booze or lots of food because of the woohoo-I'm-legal-everywhere ideology, I had a nice dinner with my parents. Simple, but special. I may not have celebrated the past weekend as I did last year, but nevertheless, I am thankful for so many things from the past year. Here are a few:

1. Family. If any of you recall, my mom wasn't in Canada for my birthday last year. The last time I celebrated my birthday with both my parents present was in 2011. That was a good year. A week after my 2012 birthday, my grandfather passed away. It was a really sad time. Although it was nice to have gone home for even just a week, I wish my lolo didn't have to go so soon. I still miss him. When I think of him, I feel like crying. Now that it's almost a year since, I am thankful for the strength He has given my family, especially my grandmother. I am thankful for everyone's good health. I am thankful I got to know someone as marvellous as my grandfather.

2. Jam. In two weeks, it will be exactly one year since we last saw each other (for a week).  I am thankful for all the strength, love, and patience we have in our relationship. On our 43rd month next week, I am thankful that we've come this far. She is amazing. My life is amazing because of her.

3. Friends. Some grow apart, some grow closer. I am thankful for every friendship. I am thankful for the opportunities I am given to reconnect with people. I am also thankful for new acquaintances and people I met over the internet who support me in everything I do.

4. Puberty. Yes, this is on the list. Have you seen me before? Have you seen how hideous I used to look? Not saying that I am attractive now, but I look less gusgusin (unkempt). Or I'm just fatter? Whatever, but I like me better now.

The old photos were taken only four years ago. Imagine if we go back further. It really does get better.

5. Life. Of course, life. For every opportunity to learn, share, appreciate;; for every moment of failure and success; of love and hate; I am thankful. Thank you for this life.

It is definitely a grand life: not in material, not in success, but in every blessing I am showered. My life is not my life because of me. Occasionally, I would give myself a tap on the back. There are reasons why I should be proud of myself, but it's not right to take all the credit. It is all because of everything and everyone around me that I am here today. And HIM, of course. I owe it to everyone but myself.

Flow and Productivity

Yesterday was a really good day for me. I went down to Vancouver just before noon and stayed there until four o'clock. I bought a venti Soy Caramel Macchiato and a snack to get me by. I had it all planned - I was going to stay under a tree with this marvellous book I am currently reading until life decides to pull me back. Seriously, there is nothing better than finally getting something you have been pining for in a long time. I needed the time to myself. I needed the time away from everything good and bad and just live in the now. It was not a lazy day. If anything, I think I accomplished more yesterday than any day I had had in the past weeks. I was in a state of flow. 

This was also my view. Imagine my regret had I stayed home on a beautiful Friday!

Aside from the wonderful time I spent by myself, I also finally received my final grade for Sociology *screaming inside* Super thankful. My professor replied to my inquiry regarding the rest of the assignments we still have to pick up and in his email, instead of highly recommending that I should present my research at the conference, this time he says to make sure that I do. Nothing official yet but.. it's not an opportunity I'm going to let slip by.

In related news, I am still waiting for my final grade in Psychology. The wait is making me so anxious, I could just bury my head in the ground and weep. 

Hook, line, and sinker

(This being 10 minutes away from our place, I see it often, but it fascinates me every time.)

I always thought going fishing would mean having four to six hours a day to ponder, reflect on this thing called life. I guess it's fair to say that I always had this idea that if you are out someplace quiet, just sitting there, you would have nothing but yourself and your thoughts to keep you busy. I was wrong. Or at least in fishing, that is not the case. My papa told me once we were out to fish that going fishing actually takes your mind off things. It's because you have your eyes (and maybe all other senses) and even your breathing and pulse carefully waiting for that one tug, that one bite. It makes sense, doesn't it? It makes even more sense once you have been there.

I have kept my dad company many times going fishing. But I never bothered trying because for one, I didn't have my licence, and second of all, I would rather read, write, enjoy the view, and you guessed it, think. I guess I arrived at a point where I have had too much thinking, realizing that it isn't healthy anymore, and so I decided to get a licence. Saturday was the first time I actually went fishing (and caught a couple - woohoo!) and loved it. We started at 7 am. I had this lovely view (pictured above); The sun was hiding, the clouds filled the sky and they reflected in the water too - lovely. It was calm, looking almost like a blanket tucking in the life that lived underneath.The best part of that wondrous Saturday morning, life didn't get in the way. I had no time to think because I was too busy holding my breath, waiting for a tug, and all my focus was on the end of the rod.

I was talking to one of the best friends I have about fishing this morning; I told her it's a good way to take your mind off things. She then asked me if that's what I wanted to do. Thinking about it now, I don't think I ever answered her. Either it slipped my mind or I didn't know what to say. Now that the day is almost coming to a close, I now know what it is I'm running from. It's silly, it's strange, but for me it makes perfect sense - the only thing I am trying to get away from is myself.

I had forgotten how much I love being by the water watching the tide come in and waiting for the sun to set. I had forgotten how serene it is when the current has finally reached the calm and the tiny ripples that give life to it are like a blanket covering life that never ceases being in motion. It never stops - life, that is - and most days and most nights, we long to pause it simply because we wish to look at what we have done and what we have yet to do, and have time to appreciate it without worrying that the time we spend pondering on the small things, could be time spent on something else - something that isn't in the now. What ever happened to living in the present?

Outta Time - Oasis

A note for the downhearted

Someone once told me that the real adventure in life starts when you realize that all you have ever accomplished is knowing how to make sense of it all. It is when you realize the world is way ahead of you while your true journey has only just begun. It is when you see yourself climbing that mountain while all of them are already at the peak roasting marshmallows, singing Kumbaya around a campfire. Time is gold. Time is precious. Time is bliss. When all the world makes you feel downhearted, remember that your journey is unique - not because you are on that road less traveled, but because you are trying to figure life out at your own pace. And when you think to yourself that you have made the right call, that is when you start working up, with vigour and passion.

This someone could be wrong or on point. But either way, this someone is in all of us, smiling at you when you fail, when you succeed, and will always be there to cheer you on when you finally learn to believe in yourself.

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time." 

- T.S. Eliot

Little Moments x Life

We all go through a "phase" in our lives where we think of what has become of us and go, "Am I happy or not?". Or, we try to label ourselves as either successful or a failure. Unfortunately for me, today I have decided that I am, in fact, a failure. It seems hypocritical to hear this from someone who strives to find positivity in everything, doesn't it? I hate to break it to you folks, but I am still human. I love helping others build their success stories but I just can't seem to get mine together.

Don't get me wrong; I have an amazing family, a very loving girlfriend, good grades, but that just isn't enough. I don't know. I feel like I could have done more in the past three years. Must I say I regret not having done what I should have? Yes and no.

Am I a failure? Maybe.

But it isn't too late to become something more. I just hope life lets me catch up.

I find myself very happy when I am around people. I guess that's just innate of us. But when I find myself alone, I overthink things. I look back and blame myself for things I have done, should have done, and might not do. It's quite complicated.

Bottomline is, I think too much. And it isn't the healthy kind.

Sans Souci

Eventually, you're going to miss walking under the night sky, 

when it's all in midnight blue and the stars are your only light.

I tweeted this the other night. Friday, to be specific. It had been a rough week and walking under the night sky even for just a short while felt exhilarating. It felt as if no worries in the world ever existed and I was alone and it was good. During my short stroll I did not know that what I thought was the end of a troubled week was only a prelude. That night was great - cooked with the family, drank a little and stayed up `til dawn talking to my girlfriend. Everything that came after, I did not see coming. I talk as if it's such a big deal. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But what I know is, if I wish to carry on with a worry-free week, I would have to stop thinking or over-thinking, rather. I have always been that kind of person, and it was never the best deal for me. It's unhealthy for me. Trust me when I say that. Should I blame other factors that contribute to this kind of thinking? Media? Other people's misfortune? Or maybe just myself? Maybe just myself.

Now that I think about it, I know why I tweeted that or why I even thought of it. It's an advice for myself - one that I must have predicted I will be needing soon. And soon is now. Maybe, subconsciously, I long for trouble to remind myself of what I must do. When walking under the night sky and it's all shadows and silhouettes - not knowing what's coming for you, what's surrounding you - you just have to follow the stars to guide you home. You just have to follow your heart. And only your heart.

And it will all be better.

Sans Souci (French) adj. carefree

Luck

The wind in your hair -
Misfortune finds way to you
Yet leaves you unscathed

I lose my head and panic

Just when I thought I  would be able to write, words escape me. It's like I want to say so much, that I don't know where and how to start. Maybe it's all in my head - a voice telling me not to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it right now. But I feel like I have to - one way or another I feel the need to release the stress. 

( Photo taken at Davie St in Vancouver ) 

My sun sets only to rise again –

and it is going to shine brighter than ever. 

We all feel alone sometimes. I, probably more often than most people. Or I'd like to believe so. I am one of those people who can stand being alone in a public place, or in a crowded room but when things get heavy, I wish there was someone I could talk to. I know many people are just a message away but I have this fear that they won't get me. I could always try but being judged for reasons such as being misunderstood or shallow is another thing. 

The sun sets only to rise again; it's always been clear that things get better and that everything has a purpose but I can't help but feel like it gets tiring. It gets tiring to think of what could happen, what awaits and how to survive the days until that certain purpose comes.. Who am I kidding? This isn't why I am writing right now. Although it's all true, that's not why I am wide awake at 2 am writing this. 

Knowing myself pretty well, I should be stressing over this and that but surprisingly, I am not. Have I gone tired of putting myself through senseless (although not entirely senseless) crap? Have I finally learned to loosen up and stop thinking so much? Or again, have I just perfected the art of diversion that I can simply turn and run away from the things that bother me? Whatever it may be, I know I'll have to face them all eventually. I also know that it will all get better. It will all be fine. 

The night is deafening
when the silence is listening
and I'm down on my knees 
and I know that something is missing 
because the back of my mind is holding things I'm relying in 
but I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them 

Dream

My self-esteem is dead. It's ironic because I advocate self-confidence and being true to one's self. It doesn't mean I am a hypocrite and that I have always been one. It just means I am human too and I have days that get me down, and times when I feel like nothing I do is worth anything anymore. You can say I feel depreciated right now. Yes, depreciated, cut down to pieces that slowly shrivel up to even tinier pieces. It's sad. It's a sad, sad thought but I hate to say it's what I am feeling right now. It's probably what I have been feeling all along.

Without reading this blog, people would not have a clue as to what I really am feeling. Heck, my girlfriend doesn't even know. I know I can talk to her about everything, even the things that don't concern our relationship, but sometimes we just don't have time. And the little time we have to talk, I would want to spend talking about happy things. I try not to be a downer. Anyways, I don't go ranting on Twitter and Facebook things like "I am so lonely! Come save me." or "I will cut myself if no one will love me." or even something simple like "My self-esteem is dead". I may have a massive rate of rants on Facebook and Twitter but nothing desperate for pity, sympathy or whatnot. In fact, most of the things I post are the things I am proud of. I am basically trying to let people see the optimist in me rather than the pessimist.

It's not a reputation I try to keep or an image I put up as a front. What I post on social networking sites are all true, all honest, and 100% me. What I have on my blog are the more "private" things, if there is anything to be considered private on the internet. But yes, blogs are known as online diaries and sometimes, I take it a little too seriously, and a little too far, but no one reads it anyway.

And then we go back to what, apparently, seems to be my blog's main theme - CHANGE. I think I already know why I have been wanting change, why I have been searching for it when it's not really necessary. I think I am insecure. Can one be insecure to one's self? Because that's exactly what I am feeling. While others are busy wishing they can be somebody else, here I am wanting to be the person I imagine myself to be - not based on anyone else - but the person I see myself as. I know I can achieve it though. I am just not patient enough. Sometimes I wish everything would come easy. I wish I could imagine the future self at night, doze off to sleep and wake up the next day being her. But I know nothing comes easy. Good things come to those who wait, right? I wish I could nod to that as if it were my last day, but this is reality.. We're not all patient and we're not living in a world of motivational quotations. I am a realist but an idealist when it comes to myself. Tell me, how many ironies are there in this post? And tell me, how good of an advocate can I still be? It's true what they say, sure, you're good at giving advice to others but it's hard for you to follow yourself. I am a victim of that. I think I always have been. Or maybe I am just being pessimistic.

Or maybe I learned from myself.

Yes, that must be it. I learned from myself.

But now that it's ahead of me, how can I look back when there's nothing to look back at?

Tell me.

Super Stalling: Frustrations

I have a few frustrations in life that I really want to talk about right now. And you're probably gonna laugh at me but please do take these seriously. These frustrations are life threatening situations in an alternate life where everybody is all shallow and high. Dope.

1. To those of you who don't know, Tim Horton's has this roll up the rim contest. Buy a coffee, roll up the rim and you could win coffee, a $100 gift card, a 3D TV, a camera or a Camry. A CAMRY. Or you can also win nothing and read "PLEASE PLAY AGAIN" on the rim every single time. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I buy coffee or any hot drink from Timmie's like twice a day everyday and I haven't won a single thing. Not even a single coffee. It's so frustrating. It's like wasting money to get my hopes up and to burn my tongue altogether. But I got to admit, I love Timmie's and they have the best drinks (although these past couple of days they have been overdoing the sugar) A double double seems like 2 creams and 5 sugars. Check out their Facebook HERE.

2. I have been stretching my ears for like a month or two now and usually I would go on a 2-hour trek all the way to Lougheed Town Centre which is like a land far far away from Richmond and go buy tapers and plugs from Spencer's just because they're "cheaper" than the ones I can get from Canadian-brand stores. (Spencer's is an American brand and they only have two stores here in British Columbia - the other one is in Langley). But recently, I realized that it would be hell of a lot cheaper if I got my stuff online even if it means I would have to wait a month before getting them (because they're gonna be shipped from the US and I am living in the Great White North yayyy) So I get my basic stuff from Stylz (I should go do a video review on that when my 2nd package comes) and today I tried ordering from BAF (Body Art Forms). I love their wide selection of jewelry but I only need steel tubes so those were the ones I was planning on getting for now. I couldn't checkout and pay for my order. There was no button on the page that would let me do anything but edit my cart. That just ruined my momentum. I emailed them telling my problem and I will probably have to wait until Monday to get a response.

3. School. I have about 2 weeks left before school ends (although I have finals on the week of the 18th-26th) and I.... just refer to the previous post for school frustrations. XD

4. Hair. Hair. Hair. If you've known me for a while now, you should know that I love my hair and I used to say it defines me. Can't say it's true now lolol. If it were to define me now then I'd be trashy too.

5. SELF. But that's another story and possibly another super stalling entry.

WELL. So much for ranting. HEHE.

The Things We Owe

Do you ever experience that sudden burst of sentimentality, even without any reason, whenever it rains? I do. Always. And it's one of those moments, too, wherein you play slow alternatives, sit by the window and pretend you're in a music video or something. I don't really imagine myself in being in a music video though. Instead, I listen to music and I begin to write. For some reason, it's when I am in that sentimental mood that gets me writing.

It's a Saturday afternoon. A dark, rainy one. And I am here thinking of writing on a topic that will suit the photos I took a while back.

I haven't been thinking deeply; hence, I haven't really had any realizations on life, on everything that we can all actually benefit from. I am so busy with school, I feel so drawn away from everything else. Quite frankly, it's actually nice. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like detaching from some things. My girlfriends knows that. I tell her my sentiments even the most nonsensical ones, and she's really great for keeping up with me :) She tells me I shouldn't mind it. But to myself, I always think of starting anew. Or something to that effect only less tiring and complicated.

I might not know the implications of what I am about to say and maybe I am out of my mind for saying this but sometimes I think to myself, I just want to grow up. I love being 19, young, and totally free to grab any opportunity that comes my way - may it be good or bad - but I just don't enjoy it that much as other teenagers. I dislike childish acts. I know I am guilty of that sometimes, and I despise myself for that, but I just want to keep all of that aside. I can't really explain it here, nor will I want or be able to explain it to anybody.

I guess I just want to change. or be better. What's difficult is the process - pulling away from the many things that have been with me for a while - progressive or not - and not regretting it. This isn't something that bothers me so much, just something that crosses my mind from time to time. I don't know. I want a quiet life. A quiet life with my girlfriend, working our way up our dreams ♥

In other words, maybe, I want to be more of a private person now, but I have gotten so used to being so public, so open I don't know how to pull away. I don't regret any of it though. I am actually grateful.

I don't worry so much. But yeah, it's something I'd write about.

Here's a song I have been listening to all afternoon. It's a really nice song.

Takida "The things we owe" from Johan Bååth on Vimeo.