Dream

My self-esteem is dead. It's ironic because I advocate self-confidence and being true to one's self. It doesn't mean I am a hypocrite and that I have always been one. It just means I am human too and I have days that get me down, and times when I feel like nothing I do is worth anything anymore. You can say I feel depreciated right now. Yes, depreciated, cut down to pieces that slowly shrivel up to even tinier pieces. It's sad. It's a sad, sad thought but I hate to say it's what I am feeling right now. It's probably what I have been feeling all along.

Without reading this blog, people would not have a clue as to what I really am feeling. Heck, my girlfriend doesn't even know. I know I can talk to her about everything, even the things that don't concern our relationship, but sometimes we just don't have time. And the little time we have to talk, I would want to spend talking about happy things. I try not to be a downer. Anyways, I don't go ranting on Twitter and Facebook things like "I am so lonely! Come save me." or "I will cut myself if no one will love me." or even something simple like "My self-esteem is dead". I may have a massive rate of rants on Facebook and Twitter but nothing desperate for pity, sympathy or whatnot. In fact, most of the things I post are the things I am proud of. I am basically trying to let people see the optimist in me rather than the pessimist.

It's not a reputation I try to keep or an image I put up as a front. What I post on social networking sites are all true, all honest, and 100% me. What I have on my blog are the more "private" things, if there is anything to be considered private on the internet. But yes, blogs are known as online diaries and sometimes, I take it a little too seriously, and a little too far, but no one reads it anyway.

And then we go back to what, apparently, seems to be my blog's main theme - CHANGE. I think I already know why I have been wanting change, why I have been searching for it when it's not really necessary. I think I am insecure. Can one be insecure to one's self? Because that's exactly what I am feeling. While others are busy wishing they can be somebody else, here I am wanting to be the person I imagine myself to be - not based on anyone else - but the person I see myself as. I know I can achieve it though. I am just not patient enough. Sometimes I wish everything would come easy. I wish I could imagine the future self at night, doze off to sleep and wake up the next day being her. But I know nothing comes easy. Good things come to those who wait, right? I wish I could nod to that as if it were my last day, but this is reality.. We're not all patient and we're not living in a world of motivational quotations. I am a realist but an idealist when it comes to myself. Tell me, how many ironies are there in this post? And tell me, how good of an advocate can I still be? It's true what they say, sure, you're good at giving advice to others but it's hard for you to follow yourself. I am a victim of that. I think I always have been. Or maybe I am just being pessimistic.

Or maybe I learned from myself.

Yes, that must be it. I learned from myself.

But now that it's ahead of me, how can I look back when there's nothing to look back at?

Tell me.

Super Stalling: Frustrations

I have a few frustrations in life that I really want to talk about right now. And you're probably gonna laugh at me but please do take these seriously. These frustrations are life threatening situations in an alternate life where everybody is all shallow and high. Dope.

1. To those of you who don't know, Tim Horton's has this roll up the rim contest. Buy a coffee, roll up the rim and you could win coffee, a $100 gift card, a 3D TV, a camera or a Camry. A CAMRY. Or you can also win nothing and read "PLEASE PLAY AGAIN" on the rim every single time. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I buy coffee or any hot drink from Timmie's like twice a day everyday and I haven't won a single thing. Not even a single coffee. It's so frustrating. It's like wasting money to get my hopes up and to burn my tongue altogether. But I got to admit, I love Timmie's and they have the best drinks (although these past couple of days they have been overdoing the sugar) A double double seems like 2 creams and 5 sugars. Check out their Facebook HERE.

2. I have been stretching my ears for like a month or two now and usually I would go on a 2-hour trek all the way to Lougheed Town Centre which is like a land far far away from Richmond and go buy tapers and plugs from Spencer's just because they're "cheaper" than the ones I can get from Canadian-brand stores. (Spencer's is an American brand and they only have two stores here in British Columbia - the other one is in Langley). But recently, I realized that it would be hell of a lot cheaper if I got my stuff online even if it means I would have to wait a month before getting them (because they're gonna be shipped from the US and I am living in the Great White North yayyy) So I get my basic stuff from Stylz (I should go do a video review on that when my 2nd package comes) and today I tried ordering from BAF (Body Art Forms). I love their wide selection of jewelry but I only need steel tubes so those were the ones I was planning on getting for now. I couldn't checkout and pay for my order. There was no button on the page that would let me do anything but edit my cart. That just ruined my momentum. I emailed them telling my problem and I will probably have to wait until Monday to get a response.

3. School. I have about 2 weeks left before school ends (although I have finals on the week of the 18th-26th) and I.... just refer to the previous post for school frustrations. XD

4. Hair. Hair. Hair. If you've known me for a while now, you should know that I love my hair and I used to say it defines me. Can't say it's true now lolol. If it were to define me now then I'd be trashy too.

5. SELF. But that's another story and possibly another super stalling entry.

WELL. So much for ranting. HEHE.

Super Stalling: SCHOOOOOL

I am writing right now because I have this superstitious belief that once I let out all my thoughts and emotions (all that's boggling me, at least) I will be able to get on with my school work. It's only Saturday night and sure, I have tomorrow to do everything else but I would like to make myself believe I am capable of not cramming. Although I am great at cramming but it's just not a habit I would like to take with me as I grow old (what.). Okay let's see..

I know no one actually cares but I am going to list down the things I need to do for this week. (let's pretend it's going to inspire me or make me feel tense)

1. Poetry Presentations for my Creative Writing class. I need to choose one poem and make a response to it in a form of a poem as well. I decided to talk about one of my all-time favourite poems, Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken".

2. Fill up two ginormous charts for my final evaluation in Lab. To be honest, I couldn't care less about this course. I am taking it because I need 9 credits for science and Biology has the least math or no math at all. I just want to pass and get it over with.

3. First draft of my argumentative essay. ARGH and I cannot stress that enough. I love English. Don't get me wrong here.. I just don't like writing 'formal' essays especially when it's on a subject I am not interested in. It's just hard and considering the amount of time I have left..the pressure is just unbearable.

I am so happy to say I am done with Criminology. We had our final test last Thursday and now I am only going to attend class to earn bonus marks by providing feedback. LOL my professor is awesome.

I plan on doing part of my Poetry Presentation tonight and my essay as well. Whatever. I know I ain't getting stuff done. lolol.

The Things We Owe

Do you ever experience that sudden burst of sentimentality, even without any reason, whenever it rains? I do. Always. And it's one of those moments, too, wherein you play slow alternatives, sit by the window and pretend you're in a music video or something. I don't really imagine myself in being in a music video though. Instead, I listen to music and I begin to write. For some reason, it's when I am in that sentimental mood that gets me writing.

It's a Saturday afternoon. A dark, rainy one. And I am here thinking of writing on a topic that will suit the photos I took a while back.

I haven't been thinking deeply; hence, I haven't really had any realizations on life, on everything that we can all actually benefit from. I am so busy with school, I feel so drawn away from everything else. Quite frankly, it's actually nice. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like detaching from some things. My girlfriends knows that. I tell her my sentiments even the most nonsensical ones, and she's really great for keeping up with me :) She tells me I shouldn't mind it. But to myself, I always think of starting anew. Or something to that effect only less tiring and complicated.

I might not know the implications of what I am about to say and maybe I am out of my mind for saying this but sometimes I think to myself, I just want to grow up. I love being 19, young, and totally free to grab any opportunity that comes my way - may it be good or bad - but I just don't enjoy it that much as other teenagers. I dislike childish acts. I know I am guilty of that sometimes, and I despise myself for that, but I just want to keep all of that aside. I can't really explain it here, nor will I want or be able to explain it to anybody.

I guess I just want to change. or be better. What's difficult is the process - pulling away from the many things that have been with me for a while - progressive or not - and not regretting it. This isn't something that bothers me so much, just something that crosses my mind from time to time. I don't know. I want a quiet life. A quiet life with my girlfriend, working our way up our dreams ♥

In other words, maybe, I want to be more of a private person now, but I have gotten so used to being so public, so open I don't know how to pull away. I don't regret any of it though. I am actually grateful.

I don't worry so much. But yeah, it's something I'd write about.

Here's a song I have been listening to all afternoon. It's a really nice song.

Takida "The things we owe" from Johan Bååth on Vimeo.

Slightly Detailed~

I have been like this since 9 o'clock - struggling to keep myself awake by buying a large coffee, chewing on sugarless gum, drinking lots of water and buying a banana. It's only 11:30 in the morning. I have one more class at 1 pm and I don't know what happens next. I have so much to do for tomorrow, I don't know what I should do to get done with all of them. Or, what other measures I should take to get me through the day without dozing off and waking up to find out it's already Thursday. Tomorrow's going to be so hectic, even next week. The weeks after that should a breeze before we all go face to face with our finals. But I don't want to think about that yet. It's not going to do me any good. It will keep me anxious and... I don't know, just anxious in a very annoying way - even for me.

Here it goes again - laziness. I can tell I am getting lazy when I stop doing anything, constantly checking my phone and my iPad hoping for something to distract me and delay me from doing what I should. I have to read Blown Away by Martin Amis and the lecture notes for it before going to class. I tried reading it last night but there was just no getting through to me. I had such a terrible headache all I wanted to do was crawl in my snuggie and go to sleep. Which reminds of me the dream I had last night involving a note that said "Leave them to see oranges.." Strange. I ddn't know what that meant, but I was a little creeped out when I was listening to the radio this morning and the radio jocks were talking about oranges and how some group of people were giving them away for free.. Could I be some kind of psychic?

Checked my phone again-

11:44. I promise to stop writing and start reading at 12. An hour should be enough.

Checked my phone again-

[ the unlikely writing style as a result of a lecture on good prose being concrete. My creative writing class is always so interesting. ]

This entry is so monotonous. Blank.

Eep.

Rants of A Frustrated Writer

I am such a frustrated writer. I can't think of any topic to write about. I also don't have time to write without having this pressure on pushed against me because midterms are coming up. But not to worry, I have only 8 or 9 weeks left before my summer vacation. What am I good at in writing? Or what do I think I am good at in writing? Hmm.. LGBT? Yeah I think that's about it. And also maybe well-being stuff. I don't know. I feel like a Dr. Phil for the gay community only a lot less wiser and less aggressive, which isn't a bad thing at all. Another problem I have is gaining readers.

Two problems in gaining readers:

1. Most Filipinos love LGBT-related topics. Problem? They don't really like reading. It's a sad fact. They would rather see pictures and watch videos :( I have a YouTube account, but I can't always post videos. Also, most Filipinos appreciate posts in Tagalog more. Problem? I'm not good in expressing my thoughts in Filipino. I lose in so many ways..

2. I target readers from other countries too; but I lack connections. I don't think foreign bloggers and I have common interests. I have yet to scout for LGBT bloggers or anyone interested in about anything for that matter.

But then again, I don't think I should limit myself to writing about just one topic. I can just categorize them or something. Meh. I can't think really well..I am a bit frustrated about my upcoming midterms. Not that I am afraid of the content or of the test, but I'm not happy about the fact that I only have midterms in my Gen Ed courses. I hate Gen Ed.

Tell me what will make you come back to this blog and read.